choose

I'm not the best choice
nor am I probably the right choice
but,
I hope you'll choose me.

cigarettes

It's 3am and I am sleepless.
I crawled out of bed
and stumbled into some clothes.
Throwing my hood up,
I grab my keys off the counter.
My car is cold,
there's a thin layer of frost framing the windshield.
I was driving.

3:05 and I am driving to the corner gas station,
To buy a pack of cigarettes.
I just sit in my car,
staring at them.
I don't even smoke.

I struggle with the packaging to open them.
The lighter in the car pops, making my jump a little.
I touch the glowing red spiral against the end of one.
and shut my eyes.

And in that moment, in my cold car, buzzing from the engine running.
I can smell you again, a fresh lit cigarette.
I use to hate the way you smelled, it was harsh and thick.
But these days this is all I have left,
A cigarette slowly burning at 3:15 in the morning.

Late Library Books

Today was very hard.
Having to confront feelings that have been left unsaid.
I thought saying it would make me feel better, but it didn't.
The feelings were not returned.
I sit here hoping maybe they are a late library book
Maybe in time they will be returned.
sure there maybe a slight fine on it
but the point is they are making it back to where they came from.

But what if the overdue book is returned to a different library?
It's one of my favorite books and I want it back on my shelves.
This is so hard, there are plenty of books I could keep on my shelves
But only one I know by heart.
The one with the dog eared pages, and broken binding.
Coffee stains on the cover and high lighted words.
I will wait and hope the book is returned
and when it is I'm never letting it get check out again.  

The little things I want

I love you and you don't even know it yet. But that is okay with me, you don't have too. I don't put much faith in love these days, but I do hold out hope. Things grow in time and I love that.  I want those movie moments. The quite smiles and awkward laughs. The small secret kisses when everything is so new. I wonder if you ever think about things like that. I wonder where you are or what you are doing right now. We aren't even aware of what this will become but I am already falling in love with our life together. I see things in magazines like a nice bed with a heart made of all these different photo frames and I think of us. Having that above our bed filled with our family and friends. How nice it would be to have those memories of life and the love that will be built. I'm a sap and I have high hopes, but I won't get in to deep. While I can see this taking off and being something amazing I will wait. I will wait for things to fall together. I will be waiting for you the sweep me off my feet and say something amazing to me. And when we find it, it's okay to be scared, but lets be sacred together. There is so much to do, and there is so much fun to be had, and so many memories to make. Please don't let that day be to far off, I know love you already.

I like your shoes

You called me a tease
so I called you a flirt
and maybe you were imagining me in bed
but I was imagining you with a twirly mustache
and that night for the first time I forgot why I hated my body
and started thinking about yours
and later
when I said I liked your shoes
I meant"stay"
saying I liked your shoes was pretty
unnecessary anyways
because everything you say or do
leaves me awestruck
including wearing shoes.

Sweet torment

sweet lies are in the face

that turns towards me.

Alone I am, in sweet torment.

with my heart torn in two.

How cold is the heart that plays  you,

and how warm is the one you push away?

The eyes that warm you most,

are the eyes that there is nothing behind.....

they hold you down with that imperfect

Gaze......

force feeding you lie after lie,

so in the end that's all you have left.....

and all those lies, i have come to realize are

memories......

What we know of love

 

What could have been

should have been

would have been

are thoughts whispered to often, but it softens

the realities of what we know of love.

Hell on heels

Getting off the bike, she's a pretty young thing.
with a wicked strut, and her skin tight jeans.
She’s hell on heels, a heart with seams,
The best and worst of every memory.
She’s a cold glass of water on a winter day
no self for her heart, so it always runs away.
Its a game of tricks, a slide of hand,
She's the sweetest kiss on the toughest man.
A short fused mama, ready to blow
why a man lets her go, god only knows
a 10 in the sack, an ace with a gun.
She shoots you that look, and away you run.
to that moment and place where time stands still,
you can fight the tide but not her will.
The perfect bitch, a lot to handle,
she lives on the run,and  she feeds of scandal.
violence is glamour, she’s glamorous.
with those pretty painted words, your can always trust.
Crime is a passion,  hopes a toy
smile for a while, fake the joy.
say good bye for now, she’s probably weak,
say good bye sign your lies with a kiss on the cheek

Putty

I kissed him hard so he wouldn't forget the impressions of my lips.

I pressed my face into his chest expecting it to be like silly putty,

so he would reflect my feelings back.

I was terrified to realize when i pulled away it was distorted and stretched beyond recognition.

Why was i surprised?

Why did i sink so hard into this?

Why did i expect anymore from him, than all the others.

I know what i have seen, what i have heard and felt.

But i continue to fight, and hope for a man not of putty but of clay.

Not to be lose in my hands and make and a cheap transfer,

but to mold with me and shape together

to become one full, content, solid piece of life

Papa

I remember listening to the 60s and making flap jacks on the ship

I remember the flea markets and the regular camping trips.

You gave me my imagination, my creativeness, my heart.

you were my papa and my dad from the very start.

I remember yard work and matching flannel shirts,

I remember billy bob, and sometimes it still hurts.

I remember lady luck and dart boards,

I remember your face, and that your not here anymore.

when all is said and done i'll pour the beer on your grave,

and smile for you like i did in the good old days.

i miss you so much, its still hard to believe your gone

its been 10 years, and i am still holding on.

It broke my heart

you told me when our candle goes out we will part ways,

and it broke my heart, 

i looked at you with the saddest eyes

and the silence became static.

"what?" you asked finally breaking the lull

the only words I could mutter were: 

"you saw us as a candle, I saw us as the sun"

Your Name

the clouds shaded the moon from lighting my way. 

it was a cold, still night. 

i could hear the dogs barking in the distance. 

my bones rattled in my skin, and my heart beat off rhythm from my footsteps. 

my eyes were having trouble focusing, like someone was messing with a dimmer switch in the back of my head.

 It had been a long time and things weren't getting any better. 

I felt like i had been wandering the same pattern for days. 

the worn down grass from my repeated foot steps, and constant movements, was dying like me. 

the familiar tracings were something i was so comfortable with that i was scared to stray away, but i realized that the pattern i was walking, and running, and eventually crawling was your name....

What time is it?

Today, even the sound of the water hitting my skin hurts.

It's starting to get harder and harder to be a human.

The constant circular motion of everyday life is starting to wear me thin.

I feel like i'm standing still in my life while everything, and everyone swirls around me. 

Is this where life begins?

I don't have many definite things in my life at 19.

I don't have a love life, a job, or many friends.

I have family and a house for now, but i will be leaving that behind in a few months, and taking a gamble on love. 

please don't let me down, am i making the right choice?

Laying in the dark, in my damp room, i wonder what time it is outside.

The light that comes creeping through the crack in my window shade dances.

How many clocks are ticking at this very moment? how many people are slipping away? how many people are being born into this world?

To many questions for....what time is it?

Close Enough

Your eye were like mirrors, and your hands were like fences.
My heart was a wall, and we never did get close enough.

wise words

this old man said that he and his wife had stayed together for so long

not because they'd never fallen out of love with one another

but because they'd never done so at the same time

one of them  always brought the other back, made things right

Implode

The sandman sleeps while those meant to dream stay awake pondering the evils of the world. 
Those meant to dream that are forced into reality are those that become the corrupt and evil. 
Striving to balance childhood and adulthood there is no easy balance. 
You will sell out, you will give up, and you will falter. 
When you do don't let the poison in your eyes, 
hate in your heart, 
and the venom in your words, 
destroy your world around you.

Constellations

Constellations buzzed around your head and I made wishes on every star I could see. 
Never had desire shine so bright. 
Your eyes so deep and alluring like black holes. 
The green rings around those pits served as supernovas. 
Hot white stars could never compare to your skin is a brushed against mine, the contrast almost blinded me. Time stopped, I was stuck in a paradox staring at your lips, your smile, the way you moved when you laughed. You were only one point in the universe, but there you were holding time together effortlessly.